Rationalisations For Being Dumped
When one finds themselves dumped, or repeatedly flaked on, it’s often hard to accept that it’s any reflection on them. Accordingly, when talking to the dumpee, you often hear reasoning along the following lines:
- ‘she wouldn’t return my calls, messages or emails and she wouldn’t meet up with me so I had to end it’: yes, the dumpee often tries to frame it as though it was in fact their decision to end the relationship rather than the dumper’s. Telltale signs are typically along the lines that they seem miserable and won’t stop talking about it. And you bump into their ex who seems happy as Larry. Or is happy with Larry.
- ‘women just want to be treated like crap’: see Learn To Love Women. It’s rubbish.
- ‘she needs to sort some issues out…’: …with her ex-boyfriend.
- ‘his unresolved issues with his family ended our relationship’: sometimes in extreme culture clashes a person’s family has an impact on a relationship, particularly where religion is an issue. Blaming your ex’s parents’ expectations of you for the ruination of your relationship in most cases is just an excuse.
- ‘they were intimidated by my success’: it’s not out of the question that a partner constantly being overshadowed could drive them to end a relationship. Consider the Best Actress Oscar Winner’s Curse. That said, the idea your partner has dumped you solely because you are successful is unlikely.
- ‘it was mutual’: it wasn’t mutual and you’re talking to the dumpee.
- ‘they’re mentally ill’: mental illness is no laughing matter and can certainly impact relationships. That said, where a couple is committed they can often work out. People suffering from mental illness deserve better than a presumption that they cannot possibly have made the rational decision to leave their partner.
- ‘we’re taking some time out to think about the relationship’: their ex has decided they want to leave them but wants to leave them with hope to ease the awkwardness of dumping someone, which in the long term usually has the opposite effect and sends them over the edge.
Being dumped is tough for anyone. Trying to explain it to others in a way that points the blame away from you is entirely understandable. That said, this kind of rationalising allows people to escape their own behaviour in a relationship or is simply a defence mechanism against the possibility their ex simply didn’t like them that much. If you find yourself on the receiving end of a dumping or a flake:
- evaluate, honestly, your own behaviour
- don’t take it personally – it doesn’t make you inadequate. Someone else will come along.