The Post Breakup Purge

The Post Breakup Purge

Often after a breakup, the temptation is there to cling to relics from the past. If you have found yourself obsessing a little over your now former lover, you might well feel inclined to hang on to things such as:

  • 2,672 text messages on your phone;
  • the photos from your one week trip of a lifetime to Bali;
  • a sweater in your closet that still smells like your ex;
  • the necklace they got you on your birthday;
  • their contact on Facebook.

Naturally you might think it’s time to rid yourself of some or all of these items. A contrary view is advocated by a post we retweeted recently which suggested that you should retain these things as reminders of your state of mind at the time – if you were happy getting smashed on a few Bintang Beers on a litter-filled foreshore in Kuta, why not retain those memories? You shouldn’t feel the need to erase what might have been years of your life.

Our advice is slash and burn. I retweeted that post by mistake. Far too many retain these things under the guise of not wanting to throw away a chunk of their life just because the person is no longer around. They really just want an excuse to keep thinking about them. If this is the case, while they’re still in your life you won’t move on properly. Cut the head of the snake and torch the stump. Proceed in the following order:

  1. Start with texts. Delete them. If there are too many, wipe the lot. You don’t need any of them. Delete their number – then you won’t call or text them (do people still do that?). Then immediately proceed to…
  2. Facebook. Instantly cull them. From Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Goodreads, Google+ and any others that crop up in the twenty minutes it will take me to export this post. And don’t just ditch them. Ditch all common friends, their family, their boss and unfollow their cat on Petbook (is that still around?).
  3. Photos. If they’re on Facebook and they’re your photos, delete them. Now. If they’re someone else’s untag them. If they’re physical copies (are they still around?) then bring out the scissors and start cutting. Then put them in a little cardboard box and set it on fire. Preferably not under your ex’s house.
  4. Their possessions. Give it back to them by courier or give them to charity. Do not pack them neatly into a box and take them round to their house hoping for a tearful farewell. You will probably catch them entangled with their new flame or watching German schiesser pornography.
  5. Gifts. Fine, they spent $150 on a Mimco necklace and a set of earrings on your birthday. Who cares? Pawn them (do pawn shops still exist?) and it’s a tank of petrol (have we gone electric yet?). Which you can use to drive yourself to your first five Tinder flakes. I mean dates. Is Tinder still around?
  6. Your ex. Stop here. Do not kill your ex.

Any other tips for removal of the stain your ex has left? Please share.