Why Your Boyfriend Broke Up With You
In short, here are the main reasons why a male might decide to break up with his girlfriend
Displaying jealousy of other women
Engaging in imaginary confrontational conversations
Displaying a lack of emotional regulation
Creating conflict when there’s no reason to for it
Flirting with her boyfriend’s friends
Publicly disrespecting her boyfriend or treating him with contempt
Attempting to control her boyfriend through sex
All of she above!
Now, onto the article…
This is not about my ex-girlfriend Jen (name unchanged)
‘A woman sees the world through rose coloured glasses, whereas a man sees the world through a rose coloured condom.’ – Aristotle, Dating in a pre-Messiah World, 329 BC
Men are like bicycles. That’s not a cheap piece of sexual innuendo. By comparing men to the world’s favourite form of transportation, I’m making the argument that they’re easy to understand and repair. When you get a flat tyre on your bike, you know you ran over a nail. When the brakes are a little loose, you know they simply need to be tightened. When you’re going up a hill, you know that you need to change gears.
Women on the other hand, are like Airbus A380’s. We don’t understand lift, drag, thrust and weight (again, no sexual innuendo intended), we can’t explain how they’re built or how they work and when something goes wrong, it requires the very best experts in aviation to come up with theories as to how the problem occurred.
If we take the former statement about men as true, then we can understand what we can do to keep the bicycle on the road without any punctures.
The problem is, many women generally don’t realise that certain behaviours will cause their partners to lose attraction in them. These behaviours are centred on two fundamental points:
- Respect for others
- Respect for self
These qualities are all that a person needs to enjoy a healthy relationship. Unfortunately the wheels will come off the bicycle when one or both of these qualities are lacking in a relationship.
We’ve decided to list some of the main reasons that cause men to either flake on a woman, or decide to end a relationship with a woman.
- Displaying jealousy of other women
Some of this will be discussed in our third point but to a man, there isn’t much more of a turn-off than women who are jealous of women. Jealous women tend to become unreasonably obsessive about other women, they stare daggers at the object of their jealousy and formulate completely irrational opinions about the targets personality based on the fact that she has nicer nails. It’s not uncommon for the following conversation to take place.
Male: Did you like my friend Georgia, she’s studying to be a physiotherapist as well.
Female: She seems really dumb, I was surprised when you mentioned that.
Male: I’ve known her for 10 years, she was probably the smartest girl in my class.
Female: And another thing, why is she strutting around like she’s Beyonce. Sorry, honey, you ain’t Beyonce, you need to look in the mirror, because you’re kinda fat and your left eyebrow looks like the Nike symbol.
Male: She can’t hear you, she’s about 20 metres away.
Female: I’m tired, let’s leave.
This brings me to my next point…
- Engaging in imaginary confrontational conversations
Women are definitely guilty of this one. A woman will usually argue with her best friend by yelling at her partner. This is essentially a role play, but unfortunately not the kind of role play that the man may have imagined. This role play often takes place in a car on the way home from a party. The woman will create an imaginary argument with her friend and the partner will remain silent while she explains everything that upsets her about her friend, pretending that she’s talking to her face.
At the end of the role play the man will usually say something along the lines of ‘you made some good points about Sonia, I really think you need to tell her to her face though,’ and the woman will reply with ‘oh don’t you worry, I will.’
- Displaying a lack of emotional regulation
Some women lack the internal resources to control and regulate their emotions, which can cause them to ‘lash out’ at their partners over trivial matters. Men are guilty of this too, but lacking the capacity to regulate your emotional state is a key reason why many men decide to end a relationship. Men commonly become the object of all the woman’s anger and frustration at the world. One minute she’ll tell him she loves him, the next she’s blaming him because her sister got engaged to a millionaire, or she spends their entire vacation in Greece yelling at him because she didn’t get a promotion. These behaviours indicate immaturity, which brings me to my next point.
- Displaying immaturity
Men are usually the ones accused of immaturity, and let’s face it, many men behave like little boys. They scream, fight, accuse, cry, feel sorry for themselves and ultimately end up partaking in Man’s favourite pastime, destruction. Women can be just as immature however and it comes out in broadly similar, but quite different ways. The immaturity of a woman usually manifests itself by way of venomous and derogatory remarks about people close to her or people she deems as rivals. Her immaturity will reveal itself every time she freaks out over something trivial and blames her partner or when she makes a really bitchy comment about one of her friends or a critical and disparaging remark about her parents or a close family member. Immaturity is a hallmark of low self-esteem and thankfully men are able to determine the immaturity of a woman by her words. If you find your girlfriend making these remarks about people however, don’t immediately break up with her, but try to make her aware of it. Many women make bitchy remarks about their best friends without realising that their words were in any way venomous. They are usually shocked when their partners quote them on these words later on and usually deny having ever said them.
- Creating conflict when there’s no reason to for it
This is one that I experienced on multiple occasions with my passive-aggressive, low self-esteem ex-girlfriend Kelly (name unchanged). She would know that I’m out with friends and out of jealousy that I’m having fun without her would call me for a long chat, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to listen to her and thus giving her a reason to be angry at me. A typical interaction usually takes place as follows:
Male: Batman Begins is the only one of those three films with a discernible plot
Male: Excuse me guys, the girlfriend’s calling. Hello?
Female: Hi baby! You won’t believe what happened at work today.
Male: Hey babe, I can’t wait to hear it, but can we chat about it later? I’m just with the guys and don’t want to be rude.
Female: Why can’t you talk now?
Male: Because it’s awkward. I’m sitting in a sports bar with all my buddies.
Female: You’re being weird.
Male: How am I being weird?
Female: Whatever. Have a good night.
The reality is that the woman never actually intended to have a long chat with her boyfriend, she called him to annoy him and elicit a reaction that would give her reason to be passive aggressive to him when he gets home. Women with low self-esteem feel the constant need to destabilise their partner. They are very strategic and effectively create conflict when there is no reason for it. Some women, especially women with low self-esteem feel the need to fabricate fights from thin air so that her boyfriend will eventually apologise to her, providing her with a nice warm hit of validation. This is behaviour that cannot be accepted. If you believe that you’re girlfriend is attempting to create conflict then you must end the relationship before she can do any damage to you emotionally.
- Displaying passive-aggression
Okay, most women are guilty of this one, and there generally isn’t anything wrong with the occasional passive aggressive attitude, but it’s the chronic passive aggression that causes problems. Passive aggression is typically communicated by women via text message. A smart phone is the passive aggressor’s artillery piece. Some women use passive aggression to control their boyfriends. For example, she’ll know he has a big presentation at work that day, and 2 hours beforehand she’ll send him this:
Woman: You accepted Julia’s friend request
Man: Well she’s giving the presentation with me today and I didn’t want it to be awkward if I didn’t accept.
Man: What’s wrong?
Woman: Nothing. C u tonite.
The woman has achieved her goal through this exchange. She has selfishly managed to destabilise her partner 2 hours before he gives a big presentation at work. He is now thinking about her and her feelings. He is now worried that she’s upset. This gives the girlfriend a much needed validation hit and her self-esteem will receive a boost. The purpose of her text didn’t matter. She only texted him as a means of control and manipulation, so she can get her hit of validation. He’ll likely get home from work and she’ll be acting completely normal and ‘won’t want to discuss’ the exchange from earlier in the day.
Another example of passive aggression is the following exchange:
Woman: You never told me you were going to Amanda’s birthday drinks?
Man: I told you weeks ago. You should come too!
Woman: I’m too tired.
Man: It’ll be fun.
Man: Come along, it’ll be fun
Man: Why aren’t you writing back? Are you angry or something?
Woman: Have a good night x
Again, a male has decided to attend a friend’s birthday much to the surprise and dismay of his girlfriend. Passive aggressive text messages are usually short and ambiguous. The best way to treat a passive aggressor is through silence. Don’t indulge a girlfriend’s passive aggressive text messages. It’s a blatant attempt to manipulate and destabilise you emotionally. Chronic passive aggression can only be dealt with by severing ties with the aggressor.
- Flirting with her boyfriend’s friends:
In defence of men, if there is one thing that a man in a relationship will almost never do, it’s flirt with his girlfriend’s friends. This is a big no-no. It should never be done. Firstly, his girlfriend’s friends will likely tell her, or communicate it to her in a subtle way. Secondly, his girlfriend’s friends might tell their own boyfriends that their friend’s new boyfriend was flirting with them. This usually results in an ass-kicking, followed by a dumping, followed by ex-communication from all parties involved. Men almost never do this. It’s far too dangerous. It’s like drink-driving. Tempting, but there’s a high chance you won’t get out alive.
The rules are slightly different for some women however. One common mistake women make is flirting with their partner’s male friends. Men, who unfortunately aren’t immune to the lure of flirtation usually partake in the exchange, but to the men, it’s really just a bit of fun and they would never consider taking it further, after all, she’s their buddy’s girlfriend. Either way, as a dude, seeing your partner flirt with your male friends is a relationship capital crime. It enrages the male and with good reason. Remember, the subtext of every flirtatious conversation is ‘we want to have sex with each other.’ The fastest way to make your boyfriend dump you is to flirt with his friends.
Some women use the defence that they were ‘nervous’ around their boyfriend’s friends and just wanted to be friendly and ‘fit in.’ This is almost always a lie.
- Publicly disrespecting her boyfriend or treating him with contempt
We’ve all seen this one. Women sometimes allow their frustrations with their partner to ‘spill’ out of the home and pervade the social environment. This might involve laughing at her partner in front of his friends, yelling at him in front of his family or making unreasonable demands in public, such as ‘get me a drink’ or ‘don’t touch me, I’m sunburnt.’ I was once publicly lambasted by my ex-girlfriend (Kelly) for simply agreeing with a bartender that her choice of cointrou and pineapple juice was a little odd. After referring to the poor bartender as a ‘c***,’ she then called me a ‘c***,’ stormed out and we took separate cabs home. This all took place in front of an audience of about 30 surprised patrons. On another occasion, she got drunk and refused to come home with me at my friend’s engagement party. It was 2 am and the party was wrapping up, yet she forced me to leave the party alone because she was having ‘too much fun.’ She spent the rest of the evening stumbling around and flirting with my friends.
These behaviours are completely unacceptable and should be dealt with harshly. If a woman treats you disrespectfully or abuses you in public, don’t give her a second chance. Dump her immediately.
I unfortunately didn’t.
- Attempting to control the boyfriend through sex
Again, this is a common one. Some women assume that her partner only wants sex and therefore withhold or provide sex depending on his behaviour. This is another immature way to manage a relationship. Yes, we’ve accepted that men are obsessed with sex, but relationships need to be built on mutual respect and companionship. Attempting to use sex as a device to manipulate your partner into doing what you want is an immature and disrespectful approach. He’s not a wild beast who can be tamed though hedonistic baiting, he’s someone with whom you’ve decided to spend a considerable amount of your time. The idea of ‘rewarding’ your partner with sex is disrespectful to yourself first and foremost. Sex therefore needs to be completely removed from the equation and you need to work at communicating your needs in a mature and honest way. If men detect this kind of manipulation, they will break up with you.
So there for have it. These are the primary behaviours that create the conditions by which a man will decide to end his relationship with a woman. The above behaviours are not acceptable and sadly, many of our friends in relationships suffers from one or more of them.
If a woman respects herself and others, she won’t feel the need to engage in immature behaviours.