Are you in an Endless, Loveless, Sexless, Penniless and Poisonous Relationship?
Most experts in human happiness claim that a person’s sense of self-esteem and wellbeing begins at home.
There comes a time in a man’s life when he finds himself in what we like to call the endless, loveless, sexless, penniless and poisonous relationship (ELSPPR for the remainder of this post). These relationships become destructive to the mental state of the male and they begin to cultivate feelings of resentment, insecurity and a deep seated hatred towards their single friends and acquaintances. These men are so entrenched in the relationship that they feel unable to end it.
Make no mistake. More men are in miserable, loveless relationships than you could possibly comprehend. This author knows firsthand the destruction that this can cause and today we’re going to look at some of the behaviours and key indicators that your buddy could be in an ELSPPR.
- He drinks to excess. This is an obvious one. If he becomes an alcoholic, you can safely assume that something isn’t quite right at home.
- He ignores her text messages. Men who resent their partners will usually ignore her when she messages him, especially when he’s out with his friends. She will then be forced to message his friends, asking them to instruct him to ‘please come home immediately.’ At this point, everyone in the group will usually agree to turn their phones off before ordering another round of steins.
- He attempts to sexually assault women. Long, boring, loveless relationships can cause men to become disrespectful and misogynistic towards the opposite sex. These men sometimes express their dissatisfaction with their own relationship by harming innocent women. This might occur at the office Christmas party, when Glen, a 39 year old Accountant in a dreary 17 year relationship, does something completely out of character and grabs his 23 year old intern’s breasts, resulting in his immediate dismissal.
- He attempts to flirt with women, poorly. Realising that their future happiness is doomed, men in ELSPPR’s approach single women fearlessly, making sexually suggestive comments or incredibly harsh remarks. For example, Phil, a 28 year old Funds Manager might ask a girl if she likes ‘being on top,’ much to her utter disgust, or Timmy, a 29 year old leather-craftsman might outright ask a girl ‘who are you F***ing?’
- He brags about how much money he earns. This is perhaps the most common one, especially with young professionals on the wrong side of 30. There will be another article of this very topic, but put simply, if he begins to endlessly lie about his salary or quotes a figure that is well beyond the average for his profession, then you can be sure that his ‘home life’ might be a little unstable. For example, if Jimbo, a Password Resetter at an IT firm (otherwise known as a computer repairs shop) tells you he has a ‘million dollars in the bank,’ you can bet that he’s broke and in a miserable relationship. Just don’t bet using his money, because he has none.
- He brags about women he’s slept with. Men in ELSPPR’s like to recall the ‘good old days’ when they were successful with women. These men tend to tell long, boring stories about girls they slept with over a decade ago. For example, Johnny, a 32 year old Financial Analyst, might tell a completely unbelievable story about how he used to ‘bang his interns’ on his manager’s desk. When it’s later revealed however, that there were no interns at his firm Johnny will be forced to concede that she might have been a cleaner. When someone mentions however, that the cleaning contractor was a Pakistani company that hired only male dentistry students, Johnny will be forced to admit that there was no raunchy office sex, and that he instead masturbated in the elevators on Friday nights.
- He builds a group of miserable men in miserable relationships. Men in miserable, l0veless relationships tend to stick together. They form social circles. They go spearfishing together, pretending that every trout is their partner. They go bowling on Tuesday nights, pretending that each pin represents a member of their partner’s family, and they move to places known as ‘suburbs.’ Suburbs are large urban communities where miserable couples go to die. They are usually found outside of major city centres. Suburbs latch on to thriving cities and spread like leprosy. Aside from parkland and squirrels, the only thing you’ll find in suburbs is sadness.
On a slightly serious note, men are terrible at communicating their feelings. Women in miserable relationships usually seek advice either from friends and family, or from psychologists and counsellors. Men however, express their dissatisfaction through a mask of lies, grandiosity, erratic behaviour, substance abuse and violence. This post is just the tip of the iceberg.
Happy relationship, happy person
It all begins at home.