The Bear’s Guide To Wedding Politics
Are the politics associated with an upcoming wedding driving you insane? Follow these principles to sail through these troubled waters unscathed:
- Don’t burn bridges with a girlfriend/boyfriend simply because they are a bad couple: We at the Bear learned the hard way that even the most seemingly dysfunctional relationships can survive through to a wedding. We all know what it’s like to secretly loathe your friend’s new partner. When they start dating a stupid/nasty/jobless/socially inept partner, the temptation is there to unleash. Don’t assume, however, that just because your friend is batting below their average and the relationship appears to consist entirely of arguments or freeze-outs means they won’t stay the course. We writers at the Bear have been caught out going to town on an intolerable partner on the assumption the relationship was on the rocks, only to find that they’ve made it down the aisle a decade later. Several times.
- The wedding chain is only as strong as the weakest link: Note that getting excluded from the guest list for one wedding just makes it easier for others to exclude you. Most people can’t afford their weddings and, while they will proclaim they only want to invite the people closest to them, the reality is that they’re probably taking on debt to fund the big day and are desperate for any excuse to cull someone from the guest list. If you’ve slipped up on rule #1 and have already been struck off one wedding in your friendship group, it’s that much easier to boot you from each consecutive wedding. Once you’ve missed three or four, you’ll miss the lot. Often, group pressure essentially forces those getting married to drop people they value more in favour of people they don’t like but whose houses they’ve been to for BBQs on a semi-regular basis.
- The worst couples get married first: Ok…some couples get married early for religious reasons. That’s usually because they haven’t had sex. Other than this, it’s usually the worst couples that race down the aisle first. This is because they’re so insecure about their relationships (and lives in general) that they have something to prove. And they do it by borrowing $40k from the bank and sending the bride down the aisle in a an expensive wedding dress with a pack of spinsters she won’t be friends with in two years to prove a point. Relax, if you hate the first couple to walk down the aisle in your friendship group, take solace in the fact they are headed towards domestic hell and/or divorce.
- What happens on the hens/bucks should stay on the bucks…but won’t: Whatever you, the bride or the buck gets up to on the farewell to singledom is meant to be a closely guarded secret. In our experience it won’t be. Whether they divulge every intimate encounter they’ve had, consensual, fictional or not, or they engage in an orgy with an ex-lover and the stripper, it will come out. One widely hated bride in our now-defunct friendship group disclosed to the women in the group that if she had a child, her hubby to be would not be the father. At least she has managed to fornicate with a man with similar features to her long suffering spouse but we note that the entire group has been unfriended by her since so we haven’t seen whether he has developed their plumber’s bullet chin yet or not. Another girl detailed her sexual history on her hens only to have it disseminated by one of the more vile girls in the group to every male guest. Do not be the one who reveals!
- The bride will not look her most beautiful on the day: She looked her best at 16 and no amount of orange tan, foundation and soup dieting will fix that.You MUST NEVER say this. In one case known to the Bear, the bride insisted on her hubby taking on a strenuous exercise regime and cutting all processed food, red meat and carbs from his diet in the lead-up to the wedding. She settled into a strictly Nando’s and fried food diet and looked like a house on the day. In a pink wedding dress. Everyone said she looked beautiful. You should too. Refer to rules #1 and #2.
- Bad gifts get noticed: Weddings are fundamentally ‘look at me’ days and the whole point for many is to cash in. The bride and her mother will spend the better part of the morning after sifting through gifts and attempting to put a price tag on them. Gift registries make this easier because everything has a price tag and ‘wishing wells’ literally quantify the amount spent by guests for them. In short, they’ll know almost immediately after the wedding how much you value the friendship. Note: If you’re getting a shit gift, get it for the wedding. Wounded Moose, on the advice of…me, once ignored the registry and bought cocktail glasses from a $2 shop for the engagement (engagement registries are bullshit but I digress). He didn’t make it to the wedding. Neither did I. In my case because of rules #1 and #2.
- The ‘bridal party’ is irrelevant: Don’t take it personally if a close friend doesn’t pick you for the bridal party. Odds are they either have their head jammed up their backside and don’t see the guys they’ve picked can’t stand them or they’re under the political pressure of family and friends. It is not a true measure of a friendship.
Happy wedding season!