Why You Shouldn’t Date A Film-Maker
So your latest date says he’s an independent film-maker? Sounds exciting. He must be creative, right? Passionate? Organised? Ballsy? If he’s Lars Von Trier, yes you might be right. Odds are, however, it’s a negative on all counts. To be sure, quickly look them up on IMDB. Unless their film has box-office takings or has been in a festival like Cannes, you should swipe left immediately. In this day and age, when you can buy a DSLR with a lens kit for $500 and download editing software for free, anyone can call themselves a film-maker.
Here’s are tips for why you shouldn’t date a self proclaimed independent film-maker:
- They’re unemployed: If your film-maker has a steady income or is working on a project that affords him a good life, then great. You’ve met the 0.0005% of film-makers pulling in an income. The vast majority have thrown in the towel in the employment game and put all of their chips in on the film game. At best they will have a casual retail or bar job. Even that is unlikely. You’ll be paying for everything. Including their festival submission fees.
- They aren’t creative: Generally, despite being involved in a creative pursuit, your average indie film-maker will idolise the likes of Kubrick, David Lynch or David Cronenberg and will spend most of their time making ‘love letters’ to these directors…or more specifically they will be consciously ripping their famous scenes off in a series of shorts they’ll shoot off to festivals, only to find they never screen anywhere.
- They ‘suffer for their art’: Make no mistake, if your average indie film-maker has the choice between working in a solid job and using their spare time to make a film or making the exact same film whilst unemployed, they will choose unemployment. It ties in with point one – people with steady jobs are sellouts and film-makers are, in their own eyes, tortured souls who must walk the film making road alone, outside of society. Except that they are happy to collect welfare.
- They are narcissists: Being a film-maker, as opposed to perhaps a film editor, cinematographer or special effects guru, is an inherently personal and therefore narcissistic pursuit. Their films will no doubt come from some mystical vein of creativity and their work can only be critiqued by them. Or someone who thinks it’s great.
- You will never come first: This stems from point 4. One film-maker we know took his girlfriend on a romantic getaway for new years eve. He posted the following (edited to protect the guilty) on Facebook: ‘It’s such a pleasure to ring in the New Year here in Paris with my beautiful girlfriend Kate, who as many know has been my partner in life for the past six years. She’s been with me through the highs and lows and my life wouldn’t be complete without her. And though I don’t feel worthy of it, it is my humble pleasure to tell you all that MY FILM SCHOONER WAS JUST SELECTED FOR SCREENING AT THE NORTH CAROLINA PHILATELIST SOCIETY’S BI-MONTHLY FILM FESTIVAL!’. He reportedly even got down on bent knee…so that his phone could get better reception while he was checking his emails for the fortieth time that night.
- They couldn’t run a bath: Most independent film-makers find focusing on one film at a time far too challenging and will therefore jump from project to project, finishing one short every year or so (badly) and never seeing one decent thing through. This translates through to the rest of their life – they cannot manage a budget, cook a meal or organise accommodation and will often live at home well into their thirties. If they say they are working on a trilogy when they haven’t finished one film yet, they are mere months from a deep depression or a kamikaze-style attack on your city’s central business district.
- Their friends are all film-makers: And are therefore unemployed, creatively bankrupt, self-obsessed narcissists suffering from persecution complexes as well. And they will all tell each other that their films are brilliant, only to tear them to shreds when out of earshot.
So in short, if you’re going to date an artist, consider a musician or painter.
Two of the authors of this blog are independent film-makers. But we have jobs and are perfectly dateable. Except that one of us is taken. And no his partner isn’t ‘Kate’.