The Bear’s Guide To Shit Weddings
It’s meant to be the most special of days but, as we all know, far too often attending a wedding is a chore. Here are a few signs this weekend’s love fest will be a fizzer:
- They’re doing it on the cheap: Weddings are expensive so no one should begrudge the cutting of a few corners. It becomes a problem when they spend big on some areas but cut to the bone on others. For example, when the bride walks down the aisle in a $16,000 Vera dress but there’s butcher’s paper on the table at the reception you know the guests aren’t a priority.
- It’s on a weekday: You’re on the back foot from the start because people will reduce their booze intake knowing they have work the next day. If it’s your wedding, consider moving it to an hour earlier so people know they have time to wind down at the end. Otherwise encourage people to take a day off work.
- Partners aren’t invited: The Vera gown wasn’t enough so the bride decides she has to arrive in a horse drawn carriage. All of a sudden, the long term partners of guests get shafted from the guest list. Again, the purpose of the day is to celebrate the union with people you care about. Yes, the probably entails paying for a few people you don’t know that well so that your friends can enjoy it too. If they’re shafting partners they’ve spent too much elsewhere.
- You get a half invite: You’re invited to ‘quiet refreshments’ after the ceremony but not the reception. Everyone else seems to have made it to the big dance. A wedding is an all or nothing proposition so if this happens do not buy a gift.
- The bride has fallen out with a bridesmaid: It’s a common occurrence these days. On one occasion known to the Bear, the maid of honour skipped the entire wedding at the last minute, leaving the bride to scramble to find a token replacement (chosen purely on dress size) at the death. It generally means the entire day will be spent with an elephant in the room. On this occasion, one of the other bridesmaids had put on a significant amount of weight and resembled a circus tent in her dress. Thus there were two elephants in the room. It will go to shit.
- They haven’t planned for weather: ‘Wear your sandles because it’s an outdoor wedding!’ In a f@!king blizzard. Where an outdoor wedding is planned, the bride and groom MUST plan for a turn in weather. If it looks like they haven’t, you’ll be in for a rough day. It’s a bad sign if it’s an outdoor wedding in wet season or winter.
- They don’t invite singletons: Weddings are supposed to be great places to meet people. Often they aren’t. The number of weddings I’ve been to where only on or two singles are invited and they are hopelessly marginalised on the dance floor just because the couple thought only to invite their couple friends is astounding.
Any more bad wedding omens you can think of? Let us know!