Signs your relationship is getting ‘serious’

Signs your relationship is getting ‘serious’

Relationships are strange things.

The Wounded Moose is back at the Bear after a 2 month involuntary stint in the Rumination Wing at the Ferndale Psychiatric Institute. I’m happy to be back at the blog and I can safely say that I’m finally over my break up! My team of shrinks helped me to understand that staring at a woman doesn’t make her your girlfriend.

Anyway, back to relationships.

They start wonderfully. Two people meet at work or at a bus stop, they flirt, they go on a few dates, they tease each other, they get naked, they think about each other all the time, they text each other endlessly and they fall into what advertisers like to call ‘love.’

Then it all changes.

This change doesn’t necessarily happen overnight. It’s a slow burn and can take up to 6 months. The flirting, the teasing and the laughter is replaced with ‘talking.’ The dates at nice bars and restaurants are replaced with television ‘binge-watching.’ The texting each other all the time is replaced with lengthy text message arguments about why you didn’t reply to a previous message when you promised you would. And finally, ‘getting naked’ is slowly replaced with ‘getting a hobby,’ particularly one which doesn’t involve having to be around the other partner, like cycling or knitting.

This is what happens when a relationship gets ‘serious.’ It’s the time when the spark starts to die in and one of the partners (usually the female) decides that the best way to move forward is to remove all the things that made the relationship fun in the first place.

You can be sure that the girl you’re dating wants to ‘get serious’ when:

  • She kills the excitement of separation and longing to see one another by insisting that you move in together.
  • She requests that you ex-communicate your fun/single friends and demands that in you only befriend ‘serious couples.’ Couples in love or new blossoming romances will not be accepted into the social circle
  • She will request that you refer to her as your ‘partner’ and not your ‘girlfriend.’ Girlfriends are for boys. Partners are for men.
  • She will tell her colleagues at work that she’s ‘getting serious’ with you.
  • She’ll buy you a boring grey collared long sleeve shirt and tell you how handsome you look.
  • She’ll buy you a boring light-brown jacket and tell you how handsome you look.
  • She’ll somehow ‘misplace’ your favourite fluorescent-red t-shirt. This is the t-shirt that you’re known for among your single friends. This is the t-shirt that led to you sleeping with a Belarusian model in 2007. If you lose an attractive garment from your single days, you can be sure she’s thrown it in the incinerator.
  • Your relationship will suddenly revolve around watching reality television, shopping for lampshades, researching ‘weekend getaway’ deals on the internet and dining with her sister and her sister’s boring ‘partner.’*
  • To prevent you from having too much fun on Saturday nights with your buddies, she’ll arrange to have breakfast at a fancy, overpriced café every Saturday and Sunday.

What to do in this situation:

Unfortunately, when you’re in a serious relationship, it’s rather like quicksand. The more you resist the pressure, the deeper you’ll find yourself in the relationship. She will ensure that it’s impossible for you to end the relationship. She’ll maintain control of the relationship by:

  • Building a strong social circle of partnered couples.
  • Befriending your siblings and parents.
  • Exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviour towards you and never telling you when she’s upset with you.

When a couple gets serious, that’s exactly what the relationship becomes. Serious.

Serious relationships kill men. They drain men of their energy until they become lazy, boring emasculated housecats.

You’ll have a beard. You’ll be overweight. You’ll have the shoulders of a 10 year old girl and your skin will be pale and lifeless. And you’ll be bald of course.

Eventually she’ll leave you for the buff air-conditioning guy.

Then they’ll get serious. It never ends.

*I am absolutely not referring to my co-author’s girlfriend’s sister or her partner.