What to do when your girlfriend tells you she doesn't want to get married

What to do when your girlfriend tells you she doesn’t want to get married

You’ll be watching TV with your girlfriend when she’ll casually tell you that she doesn’t want to get married.

Struggling to hide your excitement, you’ll agree and say something along the lines of ‘neither do I, weddings are pointless these days anyway.’

This is the moment your girlfriend decides she wants to get married.

You see, she may not want to get married, but she doesn’t want you to not want to get married. You should want to marry. You should want to marry her. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, popular… how come you don’t want to marry her? These are the thoughts that will circulate in her head for the days following this conversation. In the weeks afterwards, she will have consulted a number of her friends, all of whom will be shocked at the fact that you told her you didn’t want to get married. You’ll be labelled a prick and an asshole, even a misogynist. By this time, the story will have changed considerably. She told you she loved you and wanted to be together forever and you responded by saying, ‘I don’t really love you that much yet, but I could learn to love you in the future. Either way, marriage is off the cards Fatty.’

Then she’ll tell her mother. This will create a nuclear apocalypse, like the one everyone was worried about in the 80’s when The Soviet Union had 500 missiles aimed at every US city. Her mother will either show up at your house and demand ‘5 minutes of your time,’ (which will be 5 hours) or she’ll convince your girlfriend to leave you immediately.

You’ll of course, be totally unaware that any of this is taking place.

Here’s how to avoid this situation

Tell her you want to get married.

Women have a tendency to say things they don’t necessarily mean. When your girlfriend mentions to you that she’s given it some thought and doesn’t want to get married, act disappointed. Tell her nothing would make you happier than marrying her. Tell her she’s your sunshine and that you’re planning a trip to Paris so you can propose at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Tell her you’ll source Sierra Leone’s most expensive blood diamond and that if you have to go to Africa and shoot the children yourself, you will. Tell her you’ll take cooking lessons and learn to prepare her favourite dish, the mudcake.

At this point she’ll start arguing with you, telling you that marriage is pointless, redundant, old fashioned, expensive etc…

Don’t agree. Argue with her. Tell her it’s a beautiful union between two intertwined souls. Tell her you want 7 children. Tell her you want her mother to live with you.

As she continues to argue, she’d be effectively convincing herself that marriage isn’t a good idea. Also, the more desperate you look, the less appealing marriage seems. This will buy you 2-3 years, if you play it well. But you have to put on a decent performance. You have to act like you want to get married.

The truth is, no man really wants to get married.

The downside of this strategy however, is that the more desperate you look, the less appealing you seem.

Therefore she might dump you, in which case you won’t be getting married anyway.

It’s win-win.