How NOT to propose
So you’ve decided it’s time to put a ring on it or your partner is unexpectedly expecting and you’ve got to do it quick to keep the judgmental in-laws on side. There’s no right way to do it, but there are certainly wrong ways (and times) to do it. Here are some pointers:
- You’re under the influence: never propose when drunk or recovering from a bender. One longtime Bear associate/target spent two nights on an epic bender, to the extent he was passed out by dinner time, the two nights in a row before he decided to propose. He’s now stuck in a relationship so frosty he’s lost his testicles to gangrene. Do not do it.
- You don’t have a ring: all of your pals are getting engaged and someone upstages you yet again on an overseas holiday. So spontaneously you decide to propose sans ring in some hastily chosen overseas location. She won’t mind will she? She will, even if she doesn’t say it. And so will her friends and your friends, who are now convinced you are flat broke and need her money… Despite the bullshit you’ve talked about your whopping salary.
- You aren’t together anymore: so you’ve had a volatile relationship with your ex and you find yourself, after another breakup, in the company of a smug married pal (possibly with frozen genitals) who convinces you all you need to make yourself complete is a wife. Deciding you can’t be bothered with courtship with someone new, you pull a George Costanza and propose to your ex girlfriend without a trial reunion. It will work as well for you as it did for him, except you’re unlikely to be lucky enough to have them drop dead of a freak accident.
- With a horse and carriage: it’s 2015. It isn’t romantic, it’s cheap (in a really expensive way) and tacky. It’s a sure sign you don’t understand chivalry and just carbon copy 80s romcom films when in doubt.
- You haven’t asked permission: no matter how liberal and progressive your gal is, deep down she wants some tradition that doesn’t involve antiquated modes of transport (see point 4). If she’s still on speaking terms with her dad you must ask. Don’t be a chicken. Man up and steal that man’s daughter.
- You are still in love with your ex: if you still have feelings for the girl you broke up with at 21 and repeatedly confide in all of your pals that you consider your issues with your ex unresolved it is not a good idea to race down the aisle with someone who is clearly a placeholder.
- You’ve never met in person: ensure your future betrothed is not a quadriplegic pedophile seeking access to your younger siblings or a Nigerian scammer by meeting them in person a few times before you pop the Q.
So if you find yourself getting the urge to propose, take a deep breath, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and avoid all of the above issues.