HIV 'Devastated' About Being Diagnosed Charlie Sheen Positive

HIV ‘Devastated’ About Being Diagnosed Charlie Sheen Positive

A source close to killer virus HIV say it is inconsolable after its recent diagnosis as being Charlie Sheen positive.

‘HIV is beside itself,’ said the source. ‘It took years of serious PR to get people past the fact it may have been caused by some weirdo shagging a monkey. We previously courted some wonderful ambassadors for our virus…guys like Freddy Mercury and Magic Johnson. By the 90s malaria and typhoid couldn’t get near it.’

He went on to say ‘having a guy who’s basically only ever played himself in whichever sitcom was willing to take him and who apparently demanded he be called Charlie in case he forgot his character’s name is going to put HIV in the same league as syphilis’

It is unclear how Sheen came into contact with the virus, though its alleged it may have occurred when he tried absorbing actual tiger blood intravenously.

It is expected Sheen will soon sign on to play ‘Charlie’, the main character in a sitcom about an advertising executive who contracts the virus. It currently goes by the title (Antiretro)viral Marketing. There is speculation Jared Leto will appear as an entirely fictional character from a monority group to eliminate any suggestion Charlie is prejudiced.

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