Are You A Creep?

Are You A Creep?

Our article How to Identify a Creep has drawn a lot of interest from readers and was even retweeted by renowned FBI expert Joe Navarro. There is of course one problem – it’s fine looking for tips on how to spot a creep that isn’t you but your average creep has no idea that they are a creep. Without further ado, here’s our guide to figuring out whether you are a creep.

You have to hang out with people you don’t like

Creeps tend to drive away the people they want in their lives away. Accordingly they end up hanging out with whoever is left that will tolerate them rather than the people they choose to be around.

For example, you want to be pals with John, the athletic, confident dentist you went through kindergarten, primary school and high school with. He won’t return your calls so you find yourself hanging with Jez, the no hoper who dropped out of school to become a baker only to decide it was too tough and who insists he is a local gangster, even though you’ve never seen him get angry at anyone and he appears to have no other friends.

You go to bars by yourself but don’t drink

Creeps tend not to have many drinking buddies because they act so weirdly when they’re out. They also dislike having people see their weird behaviour and like to exploit women while they are drunk and unable to make decisions clearly. If you go to bars (except while travelling) by yourself and wait for girls to get drunk or separate from their friends you are a massive creep.

You drink by yourself

Conversely, if a creep really does want to indulge in some substance abuse, they will sit at home and do it alone. Creeps tend to be antisocial animals and in any event are paranoid about losing control around others. They will sit down, pour a scotch and say creepy things all by themselves. When they creep themselves out they pick themselves up, drink a coffee and head to a bar to stalk drunk girls.

You attempt to seduce women by using pickup lines or innuendoes

Your average Joe quickly learns that asking women to touch their elbows behind their back tends not to result in sex. Creeps don’t and will continue to use a line to get in a girl’s pants. If you ever buy a girl a drink before you’ve met them, ask them a line like ‘if I told you you have a great body would you hold it against me’or drop sexual innuendoes in conversation in the hope a girl will drop her clothes and ravage you there and then you are a creep.

You regularly masturbate thinking of your female friends

Creeps believe that pretending they are a girl’s friend is the way to lure them into bed. Accordingly they will hang out with women and pretend to  be interested in the their work, friends and even their love lives but will privately masturbate furiously about them, even excusing themselves to a toilet to do so while having a coffee with them.

Friends are friends and people you want to sleep with are something else. If you want to hook up with someone then have a crack. If you try to be their friend hoping to manipulate them into sex you are a creep.

You ask your female friends about their masturbation habits.

I’m serious. If you do this you are a creep. Even if you are George Clooney.

You wish people around you would get sick

They secretly wish people they call friends or loved ones would get terminally ill so that they can’t soak up the waves of pity that will inevitably follow. They will also take advantage of any minor misfortune that befalls anyone tangentially connected to them to elicit sympathy hoping it will result in sex or validation. If you find yourself thinking even for a second words to the effect of ‘my mother makes a great pasta primavera and all but I wish she would develop pancreatic cancer and die so Lily will suddenly talk to me’ you are a creep.

For those of you that are time poor, we’ve also published 21 signs you’re a creep just so you can cut to the chase and figure it out quickly.