English Language Fails (And How To Avoid Them)

English Language Fails (And How To Avoid Them)

Nothing sends you down the toilet quicker with a prospective date than poor language. Our guest shrink offers some pointers on how to avoid it. Please note that any grammatical errors have been made by her and not by the Bear.
One of my friends just messaged me telling me something “peaked” their interest. I immediately thought: “I can’t be friends with them anymore”. After thirty minutes’ deliberation as to whether or not I should write back correcting them, it struck me that grammatical gaffes can shatter one’s opinion of someone and can therefore drastically impact one’s chances during courtship (I then sent a text back correcting them: piqued*).
We have listed below some common language fails with corrections:
  1. over exaggerate” – it’s a tautology; you need only say “exaggerate”
  2. literally” when something is not literal (e.g., “I literally died!”)
  3. come” in past tense instead of “came” (e.g., “John come down to the shops with me”)
  4. you’s” instead of “you” – groups of people being referred to collectively as “you” are referred to as “you”; same as “sheep” and “fish”
  5. for all intensive purposes” – I’m guessing you heard this on CSI Miami and want to sound as sooth as the cops… You’re not. It’s “intents and purposes”
  6. in regards to” – okay this might just be personal preference, but the Bear much prefer “with regard to”
  7. if it’s any constellation” – star formations do not console me; you mean to say “if it’s any consolation” unless you actually are referring to star formations and mean to say “if it’s any constellation, it’s Andromeda!”
  8. pacifically” instead of “specifically” – read more; watch less
  9. less” instead of “fewer” – you don’t go through the checkout if you have “5 items of less”; you go through if you have “5 items or fewer”
  10. using cuss words as adjectives – possibly the most unbecoming gaffe yet
  11. firstly”, “secondly”, “thirdly” – they’re not real words; try “first”, “second”, “third”
  12. agreeance” instead of “agreement” *shudders*
  13. definately” instead of “definitely” – why the last 5 girls never wrote back
  14. addicting” – not an adjective; you’re either “addicted” or find the thing “addictive”
  15. more superior” – don’t need to say “more” as the word “superior” implies it in the context of the sentence
  16. past history” – as above
  17. femininity” pronounced “feminiminiminity” – a real-life example overheard the other day spoken by a Bear trying to pick up a feminist.

So hopefully you knuckle dragging troglodytes have learned enough from this quaint blog post to get you past your first Tinder/Facebook chat. If not, our guest shrink is taking bookings for intensive psychotherapy.