Signs Your Cat Is A Sociopath

Signs Your Cat Is A Sociopath

Many people assume that cats are basically fungible – that a siamese is the same as any other siamese and a domestic short hair cat is the same as any other domestic shorthair. The truth is that cats are responsible for more deaths in a domestic setting than sharks. Sociopath cats are dangerous.

Have you ever heard the story about the woman whose snake stopped eating for six months and was informed by the vet it was starving itself to eat her? You may dismiss it as an urban legend. It isn’t really – it’s just that it was a cat, not a snake.

So, how can you tell if your cat is a sociopath?

  1. It doesn’t like other cats. Nice cats are sociable creatures and love playing with other kitties. Sure, they might fight a little but they’ll be back to playing in no time. Sociocats can’t stand to be around other cats because they can’t relate to them and are terrified a well-adjusted cat will ‘out’ the sociocat as the nutter it is.
  2. It defecates outside its box. People dismiss this behaviour as a cat not tolerating an unclean litter box. It’s actually a sign the cat is trying to test you to see how many pointless tasks it can have you complete before you stop doing its bidding.
  3. It doesn’t like strangers. Well adjusted cats love meeting new people. If it hisses at your friends, or people who have previously cared for it the next time it sees them (ffs), then don’t ascribe it to its traumatic upbringing.  It’s a prick and actively plans to scare your friends into falling down the stairs.
  4. It’s picky about food. Cat owners love humanising cats by attributing this sort of behaviour to the cat having ‘high standards’. They lick their own feet and anuses. They don’t have standards. They just have no understanding of the value of a hard earned dollar and expect something for nothing. Give them rotted fish heads till they get the message.
  5. It head butts you. The number of blogs that describe this anti-social behaviour as being a sign that your cat actually loves you is mind boggling. They think it’s something to do with ‘marking’ you with pheromones (which is possessive and controlling behaviour anyway). Think about it – a cat might weigh 1/15 to 1/20 times its owner’s weight. When it head butts you, it’s anticipating giving you a serious concussion/decapitation. It just can’t summon sufficient power.
  6. It brings you ‘gifts’. If your cat catches a mouse and gifts it to you (or tries fooling you into thinking it has by bringing you the same mouse toy you bought it for $30 last week) it is a test to see how you react to dead bodies. It’s roughly equivalent behaviour to a serial killer mailing you parts of your spouse.
  7. It shuns expensive gifts. Your cat snubs the $80 luxury cave you bought them and instead exclusively sleeps in boxes/$5 Reject Shop alternative caves. This isn’t because the cat doesn’t understand – this is the same dickhead that refuses to eat cheap food. It is purely to instil a sense of worthlessness in you and push you closer to the edge.

So before you adopt a cat, particularly a rescue cat, it’s worth giving it a road test to see if it exhibits any of the above disturbing behaviours. If it does, consider swiping left. It could save your life.

Despite what may seem an amazing number of coincidences, this article is not a direct swipe at our guest shrink’s delightful kitty, Pucci (pictured).