How to Troll a celebrity on Twitter
Everybody loves attacking the rich and famous. But the problem is, the rich and famous don’t use Twitter and if they do, they certainly don’t sit around reading the replies to their narcissistic commentary. The world’s most bankable stars hire PR firms to manage their social media. Therefore, firing an insult at George Clooney is rather like firing a missile from a North Korean launcher – it’s likely to land in the ocean just off the coast of Munchon.
But who wants to troll Clooney anyway. It’s far more fun trolling less successful and less famous celebrities. If you’re going to troll anyone, make sure that the people you troll actually read their replies on Twitter. Therefore, you must target the ‘losers’ of the celebrity world, which is basically:
- Reality TV stars
- Models (with the exception of those fancy ones who snort coke in Milan)
- Low level rappers
- Stand-up comedians (shooting fish in a barrel)
- Australian male tennis players in the top 100
How to do it.
It’s really quite simple to get underneath the skin of a celebrity. All you need to do is subtly remind them that they are not that famous. One of my favourite lines is to refer to a low level celebrity as a ‘nobody.’ Celebrities deeply fear becoming nobodies. You might be confused, as clearly celebrities aren’t nobodies, but in order to understand how they think, you have to step inside their empty heads. Celebrities never, ever, ever, ever think they are famous enough. They deal with a constant paranoia that their fame is drying up and that they’re ‘losing their profile.’ The reality is, all fame dries up. Every single celebrity eventually becomes ‘unfamous.’ There really are no exceptions. Many actors for example, might take a few years off filming when they enter their 50’s. By the time they are 55, the phone has well and truly stopped ringing, they don’t get recognised anymore and they have to deal with the excruciating pain of being a regular person. This is precisely why you keep seeing the same stars in the same shitty films, year after year. They can’t stop because they know that they need to keep the flame of fame burning.
Celebrities also deal with the constant feeling that they don’t deserve the fame. They feel deep down that they were lucky (because they were), that they’re talentless (because they are) and that they need to visit their celebrity physician and medicate themselves with some liberally prescribed neck pain pills (which they’ll crush and then smoke).
When these celebrities attend functions they tend to meet actually talented people, like CFOs for start-ups, charismatic businesspeople from London and fast talking PR professionals from Hollywood. They find themselves struggling to make conversation with these switched-on, self-made people which further compounds their feelings of utter worthlessness as they retire to the bathroom to apply some eye drops made from pure liquefied oxycontin.
We need to understand some facts about low level celebrities. They are useless to society and paranoid about everyone around them. Keeping this in mind, it makes it easy to troll these talentless hacks. We’re not saying that you should try this straight away, but we’re simply saying that the next time a celebrity decides to make a nasty comment about somebody, or abuses another celebrity, or attacks a journalist for a bad review, or makes some self-aggrandising speech about how they know how to end the Syrian conflict, or comments on the melting glaciers in… Iceland, then gently remind them that they are not very famous. They may not reply, but you can rest assured that they read it, and that they’re on the way to the doctor for some boysenberry flavoured, chewable morphine.