Why Hens Parties Usually Suck

Why Hens Parties Usually Suck

Ever found that a much-hyped hens party turns out to be a letdown? After our recent take down on bucks parties in Why Bucks Parties Usually Suck, it’d be positively sexist not to have a crack at hens nights as well.

There are plenty of reasons hens parties are frankly shithouse these days.

  1. Registries. In the old days, a couple wouldn’t have moved in together before getting married so you’d get the 50%-chance-to-be-divorced-soon couple something they could furnish their new place with. Toasters, sheets and cutlery fit the bill. These days they’ve usually lived together for years so it’s a registry or a wishing well. Now hens night registries are a thing. Yes that’s right – you have a registry for the engagement, the wedding and now the f*cking hens! That’s three gifts they’ll have to split in a few years.
  2. Trying to outdo the men. Women assume that men are going to recreate scenes from the Wolf of Wall Street (or Caligula in the worst case scenario) on their bucks and so they feel the need to top them. That means lollipops shaped like penises and desperate 50-something tagalongs propositioning younger men for romps in the bathroom. Meanwhile the men are actually just busy knocking each other over in sumo suits and bringing up arguments they had in 2007. As an aside, is it acceptable for men to parade lollipops shaped like vaginas on a bucks? I’ve never seen it.
  3. Hidden fees. Rather than just enjoying a night out and paying as you go, typically a detailed itinerary that would do Vlad Putin proud is the order of the day on a hens. And that costs money. That champagne breakfast, winery tour, weekend accommodation and male strip show combo will most likely be presented to you as a lump sum you have to pay six weeks in advance. Instalments may be an option. And you’ll still find yourself incurring unexpected fees on the night. It costs a bomb.
  4. The maid of honour is jaded and horny. The maid of honour will most likely privately be seething that her best friend gets to march down the aisle first while she’s still getting dick pics from her dud matches on Tinder at 1am. Accordingly, she’ll make it her mission to out the bride for every sexual escapade she’s ever engaged in and pay ‘extra’ for the ultra ripped male stripped to jam his member in her face in front of her mother. She’ll also try to get his number at the end of the night or key it into the bride’s phone in the hope she still has time to ruin the whole thing.
  5. You don’t know or like most of the people in attendance. Some hens parties will just involve people you know well. Most will be a random smattering of women who you have never met before and will hope to never meet again. Inevitably there’ll be an ice queen who won’t engage with anyone and who has been with the same guy for ten years so who, after a few drinks, will start chasing anything with a y chromosome and will need to be put in a cab at 11pm. And a horny aunt who’ll have to spend the next eight years on the sex offender’s register. You’ll buddy up with someone who seems to have it together and assume you’ll be friends, only for them to ignore you blatantly at the wedding.

In case this seems like a patriarchal sexist rant, please note this article has been approved by our (female) guest shrink who has been subjected to most of the torment noted in this article.