Ending A Friendship

Ending A Friendship

Ending a friendship is an awkward experience for all but the most hardened readers. There comes a time when you need to cut the cord on a friendship that just ain’t doing it for you. How to do it is the hard part. After hearing one or two horror stories about friendships terminated with extreme prejudice, we’ve come up with a few tips.

Don’t fire a cannon at a mosquito. If you’ve hung out with someone casually for a few months and decide to cull, just do it and don’t explain. There is no level of care required. Do NOT set up a meeting and carefully script a systematic takedown of their personality explaining why exactly you want nothing to do with them. This sort of termination should be saved for ex-partners who have leaked photos of you online. Do not use it to terminate a friendship with someone you hardly know. It will unnecessarily damage their self esteem.

It’s not a breakup. There’s no need to formally terminate most friendships. The reason you have to break up with a romantic partner is largely to let them know they are free to see other people (though in all likelihood they’ll decapitate your pet and masturbate over photos of your family members before moving on to other people). You do not owe this to friends. They already have other friends, we hope, and should already be seeing them. If they REALLY aren’t getting the hint then fine – you might need to say you don’t want to be friends anymore but try flaking first.

A crush is not a friendship. We’ve previously set out why female/male friendships are mostly bullshit. If you get the impression your ‘friend’ just wants to get in your pants, they aren’t your friend. In this scenario just disappear asap. Flake with extreme prejudice. If you ‘break up’ with them without anything having happened, they’ll be confused and in six months will have developed an extreme obsession with hair removal below the eyebrows. Not necessarily human hair.

Your best case scenario is for them to make a move on you so you can reject them. This is entirely appropriate. If you’re stuck in a bullshit ‘friendship’ and just want a clean break, let them think you’re interested. Bat your eyelids, send flirty texts, touch their arms…do whatever it takes. Then, when they make a move, launch a thousand ships of abuse. Tell them you can’t believe they’ve ‘betrayed’ your friendship. Then unfriend/unfollow from all social media and don’t reply to their texts.

If they simply won’t make the move, just stop replying to their texts. They will be used to it and go away eventually.

Consider starting a dating blog. If you want to wipe at least 20% of your friendship group, start a dating blog. It works wonders.