How To Get A Girl To Like You
Our guest shrink posts her thoughts on getting a girl to like you. If this derails your efforts, don’t blame the Bear!
This was reportedly one of 2015’s most Googled questions, presumably because it is so difficult to answer. Whether somebody reciprocates your feelings or not is multifactorial and whether these factors work in your favour is largely left to chance. Factors affecting attraction include:
- chemistry (a biological attraction that is likely governed by years of events and adaptations occurring in your lineage that sets off a cascade of hormones);
- timing and logistics (whether or not you are both looking for the same thing, whether you both live in the same city);
- the person’s willingness to take risks (ask you out, leave the person they are currently with); and
- how ‘the dance’ or courtship transpires.
Below are some of our insights regarding the last point – courtship – which is probably the only factor you can have some control over.
1. Don’t try to get a girl to like you.
Trying too hard is a turnoff because the person trying too hard comes across as insecure, desperate and inauthentic. Examples of trying too hard include talking about your savings, plans to spend your savings and your recent accomplishments at work or the gym.
Switch your focus from trying to impress her to building up your own self-confidence in between interactions with her and then let this shine through when you do interact with her. People who radiate self-worth from within are great to be around because they do not need to manipulate their environments in order to feel good about themselves – they already feel self-assured and contended. This frees them up to engage in a meaningful way with the world around them.
Another strategy, which can also be used in job interviews to avoid delivering the cringe-worthy ‘sales pitch’ impression, is telling yourself she needs to sell herself to you. Don’t gush nauseatingly over every vacuous comment she makes – actually pay attention to what she’s saying, question things and generally be harder to please.
2. Avoid molecular talk.
Molecular talk is disastrous during courtship because it gives people the impression you are simple, boring and incapable of independent thought. It basically renders you impotent in girls’ eyes and therefore forgotten. Find a connection and some depth in every interaction you have with her. Look into her eyes and show a genuine interest in a curious and effortless way. One way to do this is by asking open-ended questions (e.g., “What was the best thing about living in London?”).
Ask her questions in her area of expertise to show you find her irresistible and want to know more about her (e.g., ask a kindergarten teacher how she garners children’s attention all day). Poke fun at her and tease her a bit. Be a bit bashful and modest. Form an ‘in-joke’ by referring to something funny that happened to the two of you. Say something semi-outlandish or irreverent that you would say to your best friend in a similar context (e.g., “That waitress looks like Steve Buscemi in drag!”). Just DON’T engage in molecular talk.
3. Share your opinions, but recognise they are not facts.
A huge courtship caveat is exuding fake confidence by making bold, factual statements that are actually opinions and hence coming across as a wanker. Rather, practice noticing when you are being judgemental and then suspend all judgement when you interact with her. This will open you up to being attentive and listening and will guard against anxious-rambling syndrome. Another caveat is being too polite and politically correct (read: boring).
For example, a guy might nod in approval with raised eyebrows when the girl he likes mentions she is planning her fourth trip to Bali. Deep down he is thinking: “Why wouldn’t she go somewhere interesting and learn about the culture?” He should subtly voice his opinion in a way that is curious and non-judgemental, acknowledging this is his opinion (e.g., “Wow, you must like Bali. What particularly captivates you about the place?”). Similarly, if she tells you her friend is making a terrible decision leaving her husband, offer the opinion her friend is living in the ‘here and now’ and it takes courage to leave something unfulfilling in search of something passionate. The girl will be attracted to your confidence in expressing your own opinions even if they contradict hers, rather than vacantly nodding along to whatever she says.
4. Look your best, but then forget about it.
Genuine (or Duchenne) smiles are contagious. Smiling in the company of the girl you like will elicit a smile in her, which will bring about feelings of warmth and positivity and she will gravitate toward the positive energy and want to keep talking to you. Extensive grooming is advisable: clean, flossed teeth; gum and mints on hand; facial exfoliation, toning and moisturising; body exfoliation and a nice scent and well-fitted, clean, pressed clothing and nice footwear would be a very good start. Importantly, once you are in her company, forget about your appearance. This is part of the ‘inside confidence’ or ‘classic you’ mentioned earlier – you know you are hot so you don’t need to attend to your appearance whatsoever.
5. Radiate positivity.
Positive energy breeds more positive energy. Projecting a joie de vivre around the girl you like shows you don’t need her (or anyone else) to be happy. Being positive means having values, passions and a clear philosophy on life and living in accordance with them. Whether that philosophy is living in the moment without judgement and being kind to all sentient beings, or barracking for a football team and helping run the family business, knowing your life philosophy shows depth, maturity, independence and self-reflection – all of which are absolute girl magnets.
We hope these ideas serve as good for thought in your quest to garner her interest. Please write to us with your best tip for winning the heart of your crush!