Signs your girlfriend could be a Witch
*I’d also like to advise that if you discover that your girlfriend is a witch, burning her at the stake is illegal in most non-Islamic countries and will result in life imprisonment (or in Australia, 7-9 years).
Some girls play sports, such as netball and tennis. Some enter the school theatre, playing Shakespeare’s Juliet opposite an acned and erect Romeo. Some girls enter the school debating team in the hope of becoming the next human rights advisor to the UN. Some girls like to read and spend their lunch times in the school library under the secret gaze of desperate nerds. And finally, some girls become witches and spend their days casting spells on their friends and family.
Remember: once a witch, always a witch.
This is perhaps the most serious article we’ve posted on the Bear. This content is so dark and so controversial that it’s likely to upset many readers (with the exception of Livermore, Davis and Barney as this is surprisingly the first post that isn’t about them or their group). I ask that you read this article carefully and reread it if necessary. You could be dating a shapeshifting witch without realising it. She might already be plotting to destroy your life. You must be vigilant.
A witch is a troubled teenaged girl. Deep in the throes of generalised anxiety, she will make a decision that will affect her for the rest of her life – get help or become a witch. Most girls choose to get help… but some choose a different form of therapy, the kind of therapy that can only be accessed from a campy tome purchased for $17.99 at a suburban costume shop. These girls make the life-altering decision to become witches.
Witchcraft was popular in the late 90’s and early 2000’s and was brought about by films such as The Craft, TV shows such as Buffy and famous witches at the time, such as Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina) Monica Lewinsky (Clinton) and Dawson (Dawson’s Creek).
You must be wary of witches. Even once they’ve grown up and become respectable adults, the dark satanic blood from their youth will remain in their veins.
You might start dating a woman in her 30’s. She might seem normal and kind. She might even be funny and cheerful. But if she was a teenager in the late 90’s or early 2000’s then there’s a chance she could be a witch.
You can be sure that your girlfriend is a witch if:
– She once cast a spell to remove a rival witch from her friendship group. This is the most common spell that witches cast. It’s called the Opaque Circle and when cast effectively, it makes her friendship group invisible to the target. She’ll assume that her friends have left her school suddenly, or that they’ve been killed in a horrific bus crash, but in reality, the group still exists but it cannot be seen by the target. When the spell doesn’t work, the witch will probably just take care of things in the traditional way and bitch about the target relentlessly until she either leaves willingly or the group decides to cull her.
– She once cast a spell on her sister, which backfired. Some witches are deeply resentful of their sisters. After spending yet another night on the scales while her younger sister goes to the movies with Brad, the witch might decide to cast a nasty spell on her. This spell is called The Flabby Telephonist and if it is cast effectively, it condemns the target to a life as an overweight dental receptionist. However, if the spell backfires (and most of the time it does), then it condemns the witch to this life. Be wary when you meet an overweight receptionist as she’s either a victim of a talented witch, or a witch herself.
– She cast the ‘get a boyfriend’ spell but got a Pantsless Bear instead. ‘Love’ spells are common. Most girls dream of a tall, dark and handsome 19-year-old guy who drives his own car but they’re stuck with desperate creeps who show up at their bedroom window on a Tuesday night with chocolates, flowers and a condom. The witch, deeply depressed on a Saturday night, might decide to cast ‘The Unburnt Finger,’ a powerful spell that finds the nearest attractive and sexually experienced male and sends him directly to her house in his car, ready to take her to the movies (like Uber). Unfortunately, if this spell is miscast, it will find the nearest male virgin who will show up on a scooter with a bunch of flowers. When she tells you about a creep who ‘wouldn’t leave her alone’ in her teenage years, you can safely assume that she attracted him with this spell.
– She talks to animals. Satanists have always believed that the ability to communicate with animals is a skill mastered only by those whose blood is cursed by magic. Witches believe that they can speak to animals, particularly dogs and cats, and you’ll find that they like to dictate exactly what the animal is communicating. For example, her dog will bark once and she’ll look at you and say, ‘he thinks you might be putting on some weight. I didn’t say it so don’t blame me, but you know what they say, dogs never lie.’
– She became a psychologist. Many witches, upon realising that they won’t be able to have a career casting satanic spells, decide to pursue the closest profession to witchcraft – psychology. Psychology is one of the 7 Satanic Pillars of Witchcraft (along with Blood Magic, Velvet Skull Magic, Dragon Magic, Wizardry, Boyfriend Magic and Chaos Magic). The ‘patient’ first approaches the witch with their problems and the witch provides the ‘patient’ with a solution derived from ‘evidence-based’ research, which basically means ‘spells that could work.’ Unlike fields such as medicine, psychology doesn’t involve prescribing medication and is therefore reliant on spells that a psychologist casts to make the patient better. If you’ve ever wondered what your shrink does between appointments, she’s casting spells, and gossiping.
Witches are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. If you suspect that your girlfriend could be a massive witch, then call a priest immediately and don’t burn her at the stake, as it’s illegal and highly toxic.