Sending Flowers To A Girl’s Workplace
We at the Bear typically advise against what those in the pickup industry would define as the ultimate ‘AFC’ act: sending flowers to a girl’s workplace.
We’ve seen it in the movies: a guy who struck out with the girl of his dreams sends an entire orchid to her workplace, her workmates swoon and he wins her heart. In practice gifts don’t win women over and it’s more likely to result in a restraining order. I would have written to advise against it…until in a shocking display of treachery my co-author, heading overseas, decides to go against everything we’ve ever written and ship the flower gardens of Versaille to his girlfriend’s workplace.
This shouldn’t affect me, save that in a not-so-coincidental twist, my dear partner (our guest shrink) works there too. I was immediately reminded that I’d never sent her flowers. This isn’t strictly true – I sent a Gorilla Gram to her workplace with flowers once. Turns out sending a man dressed as a primate with a message that ‘the Bear sent him’ to a mental health facility isn’t a great idea. He’s recently been released.
As a result of the positive reception to the sending of the flowers, I’m obliged to write that there is some merit in sending flowers to a girl’s workplace. I will, however, point out that most girls know there are only three reasons a man will do it:
- he’s in love;
- he’s sending a warning signal to potential suitors; or
- he’s leading a double life.
In order to avoid arousing suspicion, we suggest as follows.
First, make sure that she’s already into you. Do not send flowers within the first three dates. Perhaps seven. Or wait till you’re official. If you’re still doing three course meals and haven’t seen the inside of her living room by the tenth date, still do NOT send flowers and consider reading all of our articles because you are sunk.
Second, don’t go over the top. Flowers are packed with pollen and this can cause allergic reactions. Generally more flowers = more casualties. Regrettably due to the absurd quantum of flowers delivered, my co-author is now indirectly responsible for the total-sinus paralysis of several of his ladyfriend’s co-workers. And they were working from home at the time.
Third, do not do it when you’ve broken up. If you’re sending flowers as a creepy reminder that you still care or at least still know where your ex works then you will not win her back and you may well find yourself getting attention from police. This rule does not apply if you’re planning on sending them from beyond the grave when you die. There’s no way to obtain a restraining order against a dead person. We do, however, suggest reconsidering flowers. Nothing says ‘you’ll never be rid of me’ like preserved body parts arriving on the same day every year.
Fourth, if you are leading a double life DO NOT SEND FLOWERS. Nothing screams ‘I have three kids interstate by two women you don’t know about’ more than sending flowers with no pretext. Instead, do nothing or send a Gorilla Gram.
So, over and out for now from the masters of hypocrisy – The Pantsless Bear.