Pokemon Go Is Humanity’s Saviour
Pokemon Go is upon us and overnight swarms of humans, previously used to wasting their lives staring at their phones on couches playing Candy Crush, have starting wasting their lives walking the streets staring at their phones looking for dragons.
Initially, we at the Bear thought this was further proof that mankind’s war against stupidity was finally lost and it was time to find a new planet. People are being mowed down by trucks and bombed out of the sky every other week, kids are starving in Africa and all your average smart-phone using yuppie is worried about is hitting the cartoon dual-headed ostrich with an egg.
It has since occurred to us that Pokemon Go is actually a masterstroke of social engineering and we at the Bear stand by in stunned disbelief and admiration, much like James Bond upon unravelling Goldfinger’s plan to bomb Fort Knox.
Since it went live on 6 July 2016, Pokemon Go is already responsible for the following:
- a girl walking into oncoming traffic on a busy road;
- two men walking off a cliff;
- leading clueless nerds straight into the hands of robbers;
- some dude crashing his car into a tree; and
- dozens of would be Go’ers approaching a Hell’s Angels clubhouse in search of a rare fictional dragon.
The planet is massively overpopulated and, barring a nuclear war between China and India, until last week seemed destined to stay on that course and get worse. Pokemon go will cause the deaths of hundreds of thousands of mindless brain-abdicating humans who value catching cartoon dragons over their own safety.
Diablo 3 and WOW took years to claim their first real world fatalities and when it happened they were just rich South Koreans who locked themselves in their rooms and refused to sleep, eat or relieve their bowels for days on end. Pokemon Go is turning the first world into a live action version of Lemmings and we at the Bear could not be happier.
Last night thousands of zombies swarmed on Central Park in search of some critter (gee, can’t see a terror group exploiting that one) and it is only a matter of time before, in Pied Piper-like fashion, Pokemon Go leads countless vacuous, overmasturbated weirdos over a cliff straight into the ocean. Hopefully, when the population is finally thinned en masse, those of us who have maintained our grip on reality will be able to set the planet back on course,
Pokemon, we salute you.